LOVE IS LOVE

A lot of people think that we’re afraid to give love because we’re afraid we’re going to get hurt — that somebody is not going to love us back.

But not many people realize that we can also be afraid to give love because our love was never received.

And if you think about it, if we were conditioned to withhold love and to be afraid to open ourselves and be vulnerable — which is actually what love requires — then you can understand why people who have been conditioned to close their hearts can have such a hard time receiving love.

And if we were raised by those people, then no matter how much love we gave to our parent or both of our parents, they may have rejected that love simply because receiving love felt unfamiliar or threatening to them.

The ego is essentially a structure built around the heart to protect us from pain and vulnerability.

And the trauma of having your love repeatedly not received can also create a closing of the heart in the person who is trying to give that love.

Because it’s painful to feel like you are pouring something into a jar that doesn’t have a bottom.

You keep pouring, but you never see that love nourishing somebody.

You never see it changing somebody.

You never see it making somebody feel better.

You don’t see it being reciprocated.

And eventually, you can start to close yourself to loving someone — not necessarily because you’re afraid of being hurt by them, but because somewhere inside you learned:

My love doesn’t reach people.

So this is one of the reasons we can also close ourselves to giving love: because our love was never received.

If you had an unavailable parent — whether you are a man or a woman — and as a child you unconditionally loved your parents, maybe check in with yourself.

Are you also afraid to give love because you’re afraid that it will not be received?

And if it’s not received, what is so bad about that?

What happens then?

Does it mean that you are going to give it a meaning?

Are you going to assign a quality to yourself and create a reason in your head for why you are unloved or unlovable?

Maybe that’s why your love passed by unnoticed.

This can also apply to ancestral patterns.

For example, if a woman grew up without a father, with an absent father, or with a father who was emotionally unavailable or abusive, no matter how much she tried to show her love, she may have learned that giving love is something she can only do once she starts receiving it first.

And then we can carry this into our adult relationships.

You might think:

“When I find the perfect person, and they treat me perfectly, and I find this girlfriend or this boyfriend who is perfect and doesn’t say things to me that hurt me, doesn’t put me down, doesn’t reject me — then I’ll be able to love.”

But perhaps underneath that is the fear that your love will not be received.

And certainly, part of our work here on this planet is to get over ourselves enough to give love even when we don’t receive it back, even when it passes by unnoticed.

Now, I’m not talking about violating your boundaries and continuing to give love unconditionally to people who punish you, hurt you, or repeatedly mistreat you.

Because that would simply put you back into the conditioning of your childhood.

You would not be coming from a space of love.

You would be coming from a space of codependency and fear of not being loved.

If you’re giving your love to a person who doesn’t receive it in your adult life, it doesn’t mean that you have to keep giving indefinitely.

But does it mean that you have to close yourself completely to giving love?

Does it mean you can’t at least try to give love without being so cautious?

Because love from an adult perspective doesn’t mean loving somebody while simultaneously betraying and neglecting the love you have for yourself.

Adult love can hold both.

I can love you.
And I can love myself.

I can open my heart.
And I can have boundaries.

I can give love.
And I can walk away when love is not being received in a healthy way.

Because somebody’s inability to receive your love does not automatically mean that your love was not worthy of being given.

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