There is no excuse for self-hate.

If child in a family never had a positive experience around conflict, that child, unless they do the work, will likely struggle to feel safe when the conflict arises around someone who holds a different opinion or who is setting boundaries. Conflict may feel like a threat, and the child can develop a very rigid perspective, inability to hold different perspectives, - only one truth can exist at a time - instead of seeing that both can coexist without either side being wrong.

If that pattern is carried forward, then when we step onto a spiritual path, what often happens is that we become aware of our negative thoughts. But because that early pattern can still be active in the human psyche, a person may start to treat the old version of themselves inside their own mind with a lot of hate. Now the life we want to live, and the beliefs we want to hold as conscious beings, come into conflict with an older part of us that is still trying to shape our reality.

So many people on a spiritual path end up treating this “old self” as an enemy. Instead of understanding that it is not the enemy, they forget that if they didn’t have these beliefs, and if they didn’t once obey that internal voice, they would not be here in the present moment. That voice is part of how they learned to survive and connect with others, and at the same time, how they may have created disconnection from their true self.

Because of this, people begin to shame, blame, or project onto this part of themselves that is not really separate from them, and they recreate the same emotional pattern they experienced in childhood—when conflict could not be resolved and their boundaries or perspective were not held or respected.

What I am trying to say is that it is very important to accept that part of ourselves. To have compassion for it, and even gratitude for it. Because without it, we would not be who we are today. Without it, we would not have the gifts we have (trauma does contribute to your gifts). Without it, we would be a completely different person.

Some people might say, “Yes, I wish I were a different person, this sucks.” And yes, it does. But at the same time, are we going to hate a part of ourselves just because it is not yet fully enlightened or should we speak about another pattern that causes pain, called comparison? :)

There is no excuse for self-hate.