Deep Abandonment Wound

Growing up I was abandoned many times. I grew up feeling deeply alone. One of the deepest wounds came from being hospitalized, terrifies, and left with five strangers - doctors who were working on "saving my life." I was left alone with emotions I was too young to understand and too little to stay present with.

Without realizing it, I made a decision: I would do whatever it took to never feel that unbearable loneliness again—even if it meant abandoning myself.

As long as no one left me, I would sacrifice my own needs.

I tolerated humiliation, insults, and physical abuse. I betrayed my own boundaries because being mistreated felt less terrifying than being abandoned.

I even went back to my first boyfriend after he beat me because, despite everything, he gave me a sense of belonging that I had never experienced growing up.

Looking back, I can see how my abandonment wound created two opposite survival strategies.

One part of me became a people pleaser, constantly trying to earn love and avoid rejection. The other part stayed frozen in shock, unable to fully open up because people no longer felt safe.

The loneliness never really disappeared. It stayed with me even when I was surrounded by people. I now understand that it wasn’t just loneliness—it was protection. If I never fully opened my heart, maybe I could never be disappointed again.

For years, I couldn’t leave abusive relationships because I believed I wouldn’t survive on my own. The abandoned part of me remained a little girl stuck in the past, who thought she needed someone else to stay alive.

I tolerated violence. I accepted less than I deserved. I remained in relationships with people struggling with addiction and emotional unavailability. Underneath it all was the same fear: if I am alone, I won’t make it.

Healing didn’t begin when I understood my story.

It began when I stopped running from the pain living inside my body.

Every time I sit with the sensations instead of escaping them, another memory, another belief, another wounded part reveals itself. The body remembers. It speaks to us when we become fully present with ourselves.

For years, I believed my deepest wound was being abandoned by others.

Now I see that the deepest wound was believing I had to abandon myself so that no one else would.

If this feels fmiliar, send me an email and let's connect!

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